In your own words…

There is a long tradition in esoteric circles of keeping a journal. It is a tradition to which Companions of the Silent Eye adhere, making a record of the thoughts, questions and realisations that arise from their own meditations and the work of the correspondence course.  There are many reasons for doing this, from the simple discipline of writing down these ideas to ‘earth’ them, helping to fix them in memory… for like dreams, such tenuous thoughts can easily dissipate…to leaving a record that might just help someone else who comes after us and reads them one day. Their most important function, though, is as a record for the writer.

When engaged on this inner journey, we stumble into strange areas of the mind, heart and soul and, like a traveller on an unknown path, we may bring back traces of meaning like dust upon our feet. We do not always know the value of what we carry until much later, when we and our understanding have begun to grow.

I picked up one of my early journals and, as is often the way, things written long ago come to my eyes as if written by another hand and heart. Meaning leaps from the page, revelations lurk behind each word and understanding dawns as if for the first time. And yet, the words which bring these gifts are my own.

How could I write what I did not understand? Where did the words arise to capture such ephemeral wisps of thought? Ideas, teachings, wisdom I do not possess stare back at me from the page as if they have materialised from some other reality where the hand that wrote them had far greater depth than I. And yet, I know that hand was mine.

The words written years ago have become part of the yellowed paper. Thoughts were manifested within the letters scrawled across the page. They have not changed. Yet I might have written in invisible ink for all the understanding I had brought to what I wrote. So, what has changed? The only thing that can have changed is me. The years, the continuous learning curve of life, the multitude of experiences, knowledge gained and illusions lost… all contribute to a changed perspective from which many things look different now from how they looked then.

Some revelations are simply that transition from knowledge to understanding; from an abstract and intellectualised concept to a living awareness. Some ideas become clearer as we are distanced from them; we can be so close sometimes that we cannot see anything but the detail and the shift in perception afforded by the passage of time allows us to take a wider view. There are many things in those pages that I did not even know I knew, but on some level, at least, I must have done so or they would not now be staring back at me from the past. It is an interesting experience when you realise that you have become your own teacher.

Although, we always are. No matter what life gives us to work with, we can only shape what we can hold in awareness… what we can perceive… and our perception is not pure but clouded by the accumulated layers of experience and reaction that have built up around us, so that anything that comes to us is seen only ‘through a glass darkly’. It can be a lifetime and the devil’s own job to chip away that accretion and change our perspective, because, , first we have to realise how securely we have immured ourselves, and the walls built by our emotions can be a veritable bastion.

Occasionally, though, the mortar crumbles and a gleam of light blazes through, illuminating that which was before our eyes all the time and then we sit back in wonder at how we missed something so obvious that it shines. And yet, when the gem we have missed comes from our own pen, we have to wonder where it sprang from in the first place.

Perhaps it was there all along. Perhaps there is a part of each of us that Knows… that doesn’t need to seek the answers, but which needs our conscious mind and heart to seek the questions.

I think, that on some level of being, we do have both the questions and the answers. We just don’t realise that we do. We can spend a lifetime in our search, only to find that what we sought had never been lost. The words on these old pages are gifts laid unknowingly aside in our blindness, waiting, like slumbering seeds, to spring into life and bloom when we are ready.

39 thoughts on “In your own words…

  1. You know, I am feeling like one of those storybook characters awakening from a long, long sleep. Suddenly my mind is able to dash off words – something I had long forgotten my ability to do, and I am seeing so many things in my own life in a whole new light. This is the most incredible thing I have experienced likely in my lifetime. I feel years and years, layers and layers simply falling away and suddenly the smallest of things have so much meaning and the huge things that loom in front of me seem as though they are made of mere paper. The joy, the utter joy! I was reading Helen’s post of her physical journey with The Silent Eye, and I could feel myself there too, dancing with those we may not see, but whom we know, perhaps from another lifetime. I reblogged hers to Google I think, and this one to Twitter. Life has definitely taken on a whole new dimension. Thank you to Sue, Stuart and Steve, and all the wonderful companions I have met. What a lovely way to think of other people – companions. It carries a sort of love and acceptance of all that we are, as we are, and as we are not. If I am dreaming, I don’t ever want to wake up.

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  2. Beautiful post to reflect on, Sue. I love journaling and don’t do it enough. I think you’re right that “on some level of being, we do have both the questions and the answers.” Journaling isn’t something I’ve done for years, so there isn’t much of a “look back” but rather a “way through.” The insights have been life-changing. Thanks for sharing your wisdom. 🙂

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    1. We all have, thanks to Nature, the ability to tap into levels of thought beyond our normal mode of thinking. I think becoming absorbed in the act of creation… whether by writing or some other form of art or craft… sweeps aside the mental chatter that gets in the way and lets us delve deeper than we know.

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  3. It is amazing how we can tap into things we weren’t aware we knew through journals Sue. Even Dorothy had the power to get back to Kansas, without that scary journey to Oz had she only known to click her heels and say ‘there’s no place like home’. ❤ xx

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  4. I love this idea of keeping a journal, Sue. Don’t know why I didn’t think of it before. In fact, I used to love to write things, and then cut out magazine photos to go with them too.

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  5. You and I must have some sort of astral link, Sue. This very morning I wrote a comment stating that I often re-read things I have written, thought about and analysed and I can’t believe I wrote it and understood a particular idea. Then I found your post. Amazing.

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  6. Hola Sue, What a beautifully written, insightful, profound piece of writing! I am now nearly as old as Methuselah (while mentally 40) and, despite the obvious burdens of ‘mature age…’ I am delighted to find my curiosity and understanding of words and literature generally, honed rather than blunted. This gives me great joy. Like listening to a moving, classical piece of music which transports the mind to exquisite places, I feel as I have all the beauty of the world inside me, despite – and strangely linked – all the unbearable sadness and tragedy. But then, life is bitter sweet…I am new to your words, but will remedy that, soonest. Thank you. Sincerely Joy

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    1. Thank you, Joy. I think you are right to say that the joys and sadnesses are not only intrinsically and inextricably linked, but enhance one another in a strange way. We would not fully appreciated either end of the spectrum of emotions without knowing the other end of the scale. But there is a point as we age where that knowledge adds a deeper joy to the mix, and life is seen as a whole tapestry, not just as its individual threads.

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  7. I too have experienced that feeling, that lack of recognition for my own writing. When handwritten, I can usually identify it as mine, simply by the handwritten. If I find it in a computer file or typewritten, I’m not always sure. Sometimes I have even used a plagiarism checker to make sure I haven’t copied it from elsewhere. Did I really write that? I’ll think.

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  8. I have many questions and I find that with every answer, every question is reopened in some slightly different way.

    I think we are all extremely curious people. We want to know everything and we will never stop wanting to know more. I think this is one of the best features of humankind, our wanting to know-ness and our willingness to never stop learning.

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